Before reading, you should have a look at my skin. (Anyone wants to suggest refinements, that'd be much appreciated.) (Also, not sure that link works, which is a real shame.)
From the Desk of Maximillion Warner
To my beloved investors:
Following a sequence of perfectly simple and logical mishaps which, nevertheless, neither I nor anyone else can coherently explain, I find myself most gratified for your continued support, in spite of these fully temporary setbacks. Once again, I find myself thrust into a world that is at once alien and familiar, in search of riches with which to benefit us all, but mostly me.
My first impressions of this new world were good. I gathered wood easily enough, and began tunneling under my insertion point. Quite by accident, I stumbled upon bountiful mineral resources. Unfortunately, you're not getting any. I had to make them into pants. But I'm getting ahead of myself. In the end, not much happened. I mined further, got more iron and coal... And then I met the natives.
They are most uncouth. They slobber constantly, and seem to gargle phlegm. I have thought of offering them a lozenge, but I doubt they would appreciate the friendly gesture. Would you believe, when I went out to meet them, a few of them decided to attack me, and one excitable fellow blew himself up at me? Meanwhile, a rather thin gentleman tried to fill me with arrows, apparently under the impression that I was responsible for his being on fire. Before I could finish explaining this, he keeled over and died, before even thinking of apologizing!
In light of being exploded against my will, I resolved to convert some of my mineral wealth into protection. And I believe it worked. Ever since I put on these pants, nothing has attacked me.
Enough about that. Mindful of the importance of natural resources, I began setting up various simple systems for extraction. Most obvious is the small grid of cactus I have placed just outside my door. If I can better arrange it, it should prove invaluable in dealing with the locals. Next, I am experimenting with underground tree cultivation. The way I see it, nobody has conclusively proven that you can't grow a tree in a cave. Most significant is the small artificial lake I've constructed on one of my underground landings. As responsible corporate citizens, it is our duty to preserve fresh water, so that we may properly exploit it.
Also, I found some lava and stuck it near the experimental tree area. Next to the lava, for this was on the surface, there was a tree that burned forever. If I hadn't already embezzled all of your venture capital from myself, I'd hire that tree in a heartbeat. The only risk of such a move is that I may be obligated to promote it ahead of myself, and if that means having a boss that is always on fire, that's a risk I'm willing to take.
Maximillion Warner, CEO and Founder of MakeWar, Incorporated
[We are MakeWar]
[A Corporation of One]
[Survival is Our Business]
So yeah, hope to keep this up, though I did kind of write all that stream of consciousness. It all pretty much happened like that, though.