by Jennifer Diane Reitz » Thu Sep 03, 2009 6:52 pm
Man, am I nervous about going to PAX.
I mean, I want to, a LOT - I've always wanted to get to go, but it's also really hard for me.
Needless to say, I'm going to be going back on full anti-panic medication during the three days. I think that's reasonable. It's going to be crowded and loud.
I won't go into all of my many worries, rational or irrational; suffice it to say they are always hugely magnified for me, bigger than big. My anxieties are Gigantor the Space Age Robot. They're stronger than strong, too.
I'm sure it will be fun. PAX is fun. It's solid fun. That's the point. Gamers who love games getting together to celebrate... games. By gaming. And talking about games. And seeing games. It should be glorious.
But it is also hard. So hard, for me at least.
This is one of those moments when I miss being younger and healthier, before my panic disorder and heart attack, the most. When I want to be able to do something outside of my home, something that involves travel and walking and standing a lot around lots of people. To me, now in my life, those activities - travel, people, and physicality, are horror at some levels. Horror.
PAX is sublime to me. Horror and fascination and joy, all mixed together. Sublime. More or less.
I am sure I will enjoy it more when I get there tomorrow. But now, it is dread. Terrible dread.
Sigh.
Jennifer Diane Reitz
'Giniko-chan'
