Draque, and a few others, have kicked me in my metaphoric bloomers and thus I am back.
I should explain my absence, it is only polite, and fair.
After the Pax Pox, the delightful H1N1 virus (Oink Oink!), I felt really crap. That special kind of crap where just staying on this side of the lawn seems a bother. The piggy flu did a number on all of us, in differing degrees.
Sandi was just slammed, but got better fast, Stephen was barely touched, Eldenath was hit as by a truck, and for me it started slow and got worse and then things went into a nose dive, after which I fell into a bit of a decline. There are after-effects; the stuff can really hit the digestive system, and Eldenath kept vomiting her food for weeks and weeks. It was scary. Somehow it damaged her stomach. She is better now, mostly, but her stomach still can threaten for no reason to disgorge. My lungs have never felt quite right since. That sort of thing.
But above all was depression. A vast sea-change of emotion, the kind of dank, squishy despair that would normally lead to suicidal thoughts, except I felt too tired and worn out to bother. I didn't want to have anything to do with anything, for a very long time. Nothing was fun anymore, nothing was interesting, everything was too much to bother with. I still have a bit of that, and it is even a little hard to be here, typing this. There was no possibility of going back and doing the work needed to continue on Takozushi immediately.
And that made me feel ashamed. I felt I just couldn't face the forum, all of you, feeling like that. Useless. Down. Totally crap.
So I just withdrew and tried to heal up and gather my resources as best I could.
So what have I been doing all of this time?
I've done my share of puttering, actually. I've been painting miniatures, on and off, the closest thing to art I could face. I just can't face drawing. It was every effort to make Elde a birthday card. I had to just force myself in grim determination.
But paining little toy soldiers is a different feeling, and does not burden me under some crushing weight, as does drawing.
I've played a little, games, a bit here and there. It's hard to get up enthusiasm, but I do play Left 4 Dead 2 with Stephen, now, and I peeked in on a few games on Steam, that sort of thing. It is weird to be depressed like this (once again, in my life) because stuff that should be fun, just isn't. I have always found that the weirdest thing: I look at something and intellectually I know I should just be over the moon about how fun it is, but all I feel is a hollow disinterest. Depression is very strange, I think.
It must be chemical - really, I suppose depression is always chemical, ultimately - and in this case I feel certain it is a legacy of that damn flu. I was bright and bouncy before Pax, and then the flu and then thud. Still thud. Tired, achy, and depressed. Sandi says it can take months to fully recover from a serious flu. Wow.
I did read an article that offered that the flu is a close relative of polio, and that it still retains genes that affect neural function; it is not uncommon for people to have any number of neurological problems from flu. Odd that, I never knew that before. So, I am thinking, my current depression is that. Flu-related.
I hope to get over it soon!
That is one of the reasons I am forcing myself back here; maybe I can will myself back to more normal functioning by engaging in social activities, such as being on the forum. It's worth a shot. The long term goal is to get myself back to doing Takozushi, of course.
I don't mean to be a slacker. But I currently very much am.
Anyway, sorry for falling off the map for so long. I just... couldn't bear anything for a while.
But, I am trying to be back, now.
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