TSH #339 • Going


Kaye Haychold's ambitious plan

TSH #339 • Going

Postby Monocheres » Sun Apr 05, 2009 9:08 pm

So far, this bit of the story seems to be Going about they way we all expect. Interesting by-play between Pho and Ngo. But I suspect the real interesting action is coming up next...

Artistically, that's a great first panel! Love the composition with the extreme angle of the shot, and the shadings contrasting the brightness of the sky.
---
(formerly known as Synetos Protos ... but Monocheres was an even cooler character)
User avatar
Monocheres
Watermelon Graduate

  Offline
 
Posts: 922
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:57 am
Location: Penny Delta, Kingdom of the Moirolatres

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby marinschild » Sun Apr 05, 2009 11:10 pm

Monocheres wrote:Artistically, that's a great first panel! Love the composition with the extreme angle of the shot, and the shadings contrasting the brightness of the sky.

Never has Pho's chin and adams apple looked so dynamic.
NNNNEONLITERFLEWED and paprika[[[]p]]
User avatar
marinschild
Apple Class

  Offline
 
Posts: 330
Joined: Wed Jan 23, 2008 1:49 am
Location: Beyond Hopelessness

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby Plasman » Mon Apr 06, 2009 4:21 am

Well, Pho tried to relieve him from a fate worse than death... (maybe)
But we knew what would happen. (maybe)

Yet there's still plenty of room for Jennifer to pull the rug from under our feet.

...(maybe)
If this last post seems ridiculous, please disregard it. Thank you. ;)
________
By the way I made two level packs for Boppin' in case anyone is interested... :oops:
User avatar
Plasman
1000 Post Forum Master!

  Offline
 
Posts: 1143
Joined: Tue May 20, 2008 8:23 am
Location: Australia

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby Monocheres » Mon Apr 06, 2009 8:11 am

And so much for my theory of a causal loop as the reason for Only's hostility to Kaye. If there was going to be an encounter between scalped-Kaye-on-the-warpath out for pre-venge against an innocent early-Only, I would think it would have happened here while they were parked on Pho's splay. Then what does account for Only's hostility? The "raw instinct" theory is looking better.

But then there's Pho's own theory: that the purpose of Only's very existence was to sabotage Kaye's plan. The implication is that Only was sent to (or perhaps constructed on) Trisylmaistan by some other agent, something -- as Pho put it -- "even worse". The Krawlni? The mystic Unicorn? On the other hand, at the time, Pho may just have been trying to protect his jelly friend. It could just have been a convenient subterfuge to keep Kaye from killing Only or dumping him off somewhere. Still, even if Pho himself believed his theory was just a ruse, it doesn't necessarily make it wrong.

I suppose we'll never really find out the answer, since the Creatrix herself has chosen not to know the answer. She has already admitted that Only is to be a resident of "enigmatic ground."

It looks like Pho may be right about another thing: Kaye wanted to maroon Pho on his backward old splay just to stick it to him. Sweeter revenge than just killing him I suppose. To have been shown a larger world, and then to be banished from it. Fate worse than death and all that. I bet Kaye doesn't even realize she's come back to the same day she picked up Pho. She probably just plugged in the same atma-lock coordinates and said "action init" without fully weighing the consequences of crossing her own path.

I wonder if Pho considers being marooned a fate worse than death? It's interesting that he has chosen the plan of jumping back into the mover, when there was an alternative available to him. He himself realizes that he's back in time -- so he could have tried changing the past by "folding" himself: He could have gone to his old house and encountered his younger ... er, older ... er, younger self. The two of him could then have teamed up with Ngo and early-Only (maybe even Vola) to neutralize early-Kaye. That might even have cancelled the cascade. So why does he jump back into the mover? Could his motives have been less than pure? Got a taste for the Big Time and doesn't want to go back to Flatland?

Well, perhaps it just never occurred to him that he could change the past. He was raised as a worshiper of Zeus and the Greek Pantheon. His culture was one that believed that Clotho spun the thread of your life, Lachesis measured it out, and Atropos cut it. Your Fate is sealed right when you are born, and you cannot escape it, even if you gain knowledge of the future from the Oracle of Delphi. Steeped in that culture, he might not even be able to conceive of "excising".

Or it could just have been the practical tactician in him. It would have been a pretty shaky plan, based on a lot of suppositions. Did they really arrive before they left, or just after? Would defeating one early-Kaye really do anything to prevent later-Kaye and later-Texto from going on to fulfill her goal? What infernal device did Kaye get from the Museum of Antiquities, and what mischief could Kaye and Texto wreak on the multiverse with it? There's not much time to dither about it, and Pho is intrinsically a man of action. If he even considered something as indirect as excising the past, a much simpler, less uncertain, and more direct plan was before him: Jump in and confront the enemy right in front of him.

Are we going to see Vola again? Is she still in the vicinity, misdoubting her snarkiness, wondering whether Pho was telling her the truth, and hesitating over whether to jump into the atma probe port after them?
---
(formerly known as Synetos Protos ... but Monocheres was an even cooler character)
User avatar
Monocheres
Watermelon Graduate

  Offline
 
Posts: 922
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:57 am
Location: Penny Delta, Kingdom of the Moirolatres

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby strange_person » Mon Apr 06, 2009 8:44 am

It's possible Pho hasn't really got his head around this whole time-travel thing, and is still thinking of causality as linear. He recognizes his home splay (or one indistinguishably similar) but assumes that local time has passed in direct proportion to the subjective time that he's been gone.

There's also the issue that he cannot interact with his own past. If he did get back and find himself at home, then by that very fact it won't be the same splay from which Kaye will have taken him.
Hello!

Praise be to Athè, and Hob, Her living vessel.
2<3
For I have crescent pies to bake
And smiles to throw before I wake
User avatar
strange_person
2000 Post Medal Of Wow!

  Offline
 
Posts: 2274
Joined: Sat Jan 19, 2008 8:09 pm

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby Rachel » Mon Apr 06, 2009 9:39 am

marinschild wrote:
Monocheres wrote:Artistically, that's a great first panel! Love the composition with the extreme angle of the shot, and the shadings contrasting the brightness of the sky.

Never has Pho's chin and adams apple looked so dynamic.


This is why I love the UJ forums... I laughed so hard at this!! :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
User avatar
Rachel
Our New Friend

  Offline
 
Posts: 23
Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 2:59 pm
Location: California, USA

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby Monocheres » Mon Apr 06, 2009 9:55 am

strange_person wrote:It's possible Pho hasn't really got his head around this whole time-travel thing, and is still thinking of causality as linear. He recognizes his home splay (or one indistinguishably similar) but assumes that local time has passed in direct proportion to the subjective time that he's been gone.


No, that's not right. Go back to TSH #337: Plan. Pho says to Vola, "Milady, if it is true we do travel in time, then this is likely the very day I left this land..."

strange_person wrote:There's also the issue that he cannot interact with his own past. If he did get back and find himself at home, then by that very fact it won't be the same splay from which Kaye will have taken him.


That makes sense of course, but only if we assume the multiverse of splays is causal, deterministic, closed, and--from OoO's perspective--fixed, such that apparent time travel is really just a case of splay hopping. But what Kaye's plan has been all about is far beyond that realm: She's trying to break causality across the whole set of splays, changing their entire history, so that the human invasion of Trisylmaistan would never have happened. She wants to use an OoO-level, post-singularity tool to accomplish that. Yet, we've already seen the change starting to take effect: go back to TSH #173: Revealing. In that context, temporally crossing your own path with a mover appears to be a very real -- and extremely dangerous -- proposition. Something that gives high-techers like Kaye and Texto the willies. It's what they fear TSH #200: Tense represents.
---
(formerly known as Synetos Protos ... but Monocheres was an even cooler character)
User avatar
Monocheres
Watermelon Graduate

  Offline
 
Posts: 922
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:57 am
Location: Penny Delta, Kingdom of the Moirolatres

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby strange_person » Mon Apr 06, 2009 10:30 am

Monocheres wrote:
strange_person wrote:It's possible Pho hasn't really got his head around this whole time-travel thing, and is still thinking of causality as linear. He recognizes his home splay (or one indistinguishably similar) but assumes that local time has passed in direct proportion to the subjective time that he's been gone.


No, that's not right. Go back to TSH #337: Plan. Pho says to Vola, "Milady, if it is true we do travel in time, then this is likely the very day I left this land..."

You're right. It seems I am guilty if underestimating Pho as well.
Hello!

Praise be to Athè, and Hob, Her living vessel.
2<3
For I have crescent pies to bake
And smiles to throw before I wake
User avatar
strange_person
2000 Post Medal Of Wow!

  Offline
 
Posts: 2274
Joined: Sat Jan 19, 2008 8:09 pm

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby Monocheres » Mon Apr 06, 2009 11:04 am

I keep having this nagging feeling (or wish?) that Only is somehow still going to play a role in this story.

I keep wondering what effect that snicker-snee of his would have if it contacted a human, rather than an H-hold, skull ...
---
(formerly known as Synetos Protos ... but Monocheres was an even cooler character)
User avatar
Monocheres
Watermelon Graduate

  Offline
 
Posts: 922
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:57 am
Location: Penny Delta, Kingdom of the Moirolatres

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby Monocheres » Mon Apr 06, 2009 5:26 pm

Monocheres wrote:I keep having this nagging feeling (or wish?) that Only is somehow still going to play a role in this story.


Monocheres wrote:Are we going to see Vola again? Is she still in the vicinity, misdoubting her snarkiness, wondering whether Pho was telling her the truth, and hesitating over whether to jump into the atma probe port after them?


What is it that is going to give her the realization that she is in Pho's splay?

In TSH #67: Farched, Vola said, "I'm totally farched now. Just because of that lousy damn evil little..."

Who or what was she (will she be) referring to? Sounds like she might have had (might be about to have) an encounter with Only.

Or was she (will she be) just referring back to what got her roped into Kaye's enterprise in the first place: the crisis with the enraged Krawlni, precipitated by little Wai's over-eager fiddling with the Krawlni ship's controls? I dunno, I doubt even Vola would judge Wai to be a "lousy damn evil little" kid.
---
(formerly known as Synetos Protos ... but Monocheres was an even cooler character)
User avatar
Monocheres
Watermelon Graduate

  Offline
 
Posts: 922
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:57 am
Location: Penny Delta, Kingdom of the Moirolatres

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby Jennifer Diane Reitz » Tue Apr 07, 2009 2:51 am

Monocheres wrote:
In TSH #67: Farched, Vola said, "I'm totally farched now. Just because of that lousy damn evil little..."

Who or what was she (will she be) referring to? Sounds like she might have had (might be about to have) an encounter with Only.

Or was she (will she be) just referring back to what got her roped into Kaye's enterprise in the first place: the crisis with the enraged Krawlni, precipitated by little Wai's over-eager fiddling with the Krawlni ship's controls? I dunno, I doubt even Vola would judge Wai to be a "lousy damn evil little" kid.


She is referring to Kaye. Kaye Haychold is the 'lousy damn evil little.... Jellese'. Or Booger. Take your pick. Kaye stranded them there, by force, with a gun. Vola is pissed about that, when she understands.

Take our last view of Vola http://www.pasteldefender.com/to%20save%20her%20337.html and follow it immediately with our first view of Vola, back in http://www.pasteldefender.com/to%20save%20her%20066.html and the story continues, reasonably seamlessly. We have seen her ending before her beginning.

The only thing missing is three or six panels of her walking, and walking, and walking, silently or with pointless complaining, between the two scenes. It's easy to picture, just imagine six panels of her walking through trees, gradually getting more and more nervous as Pho's last words to her become more and more believable.

Why did I omit those six panels? They seem like pretty boring panels.
Jennifer Diane Reitz
'Giniko-chan'
Image
User avatar
Jennifer Diane Reitz
Creatrix

  Offline
 
Posts: 1218
Joined: Sat Jan 19, 2008 10:25 am
Location: Olympia, Washington

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby draque » Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:43 am

Jennifer Diane Reitz wrote:Why did I omit those six panels? They seem like pretty boring panels.


I have an amusing image in my head of a reality in which your stories are popular in the same way that Star Wars is... Those six panels would get fleshed out by some third party writer into a full novel before you could blink. |: D
User avatar
draque
Watermelon Graduate

  Offline
 
Posts: 907
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:57 am
Location: <=CLEVER-LOCATION=>

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby Monocheres » Tue Apr 07, 2009 2:03 pm

Jennifer Diane Reitz wrote:She is referring to Kaye. Kaye Haychold is the 'lousy damn evil little.... Jellese'. Or Booger. Take your pick. Kaye stranded them there, by force, with a gun. Vola is pissed about that, when she understands.


That makes sense, except that I was thrown a bit by the word "little". Kaye Haychold appears to be a full-size adult humanoid (taller than Vola), and judging by her combat capabilities in TSH #306: Fracture and so forth, a pretty formidable one. "Little" seems a bit off ... unless you happened to know that Kaye was really a Jellese, and knew from past experience that Jellese typically are much smaller and shorter than humans.

But I thought Vola came from a splay that didn't even know what Jellese were. Dr. Waismulo said they had trouble reviving Kaye because at first they didn't even know if she was a living creature. Without prior experience, how would she have known that Kaye's current height and strength weren't typical of her kind? As a doctor, she was privy to the scans that revealed Kaye's skeleton to be artificial and metallic, but she might have thought it was just a surgical replacement for a natural skeleton.

Granted, that was Vola 1, and this is Vola 2. Because both Volas were doctors, both from cultures with a female Jesus myth, I had the impression that their splays were nearly identical (except for some superficial differences in architecture and terminology -- "seraphim" vs. "ophanim"). But I may have been mistaken: Kaye judged the first Vola's splay as about 50 years behind her own. But she was amazed at the tech-level of the second Vola's "Para-D Hyperwindow".

We actually know very little about Vola 2's background, so it's plausible her splay was a full-up Humano-Jellese culture ... okay, my bad.

Jennifer Diane Reitz wrote:Take our last view of Vola http://www.pasteldefender.com/to%20save%20her%20337.html and follow it immediately with our first view of Vola, back in http://www.pasteldefender.com/to%20save%20her%20066.html and the story continues, reasonably seamlessly. We have seen her ending before her beginning.

The only thing missing is three or six panels of her walking, and walking, and walking, silently or with pointless complaining, between the two scenes. It's easy to picture, just imagine six panels of her walking through trees, gradually getting more and more nervous as Pho's last words to her become more and more believable.

Why did I omit those six panels? They seem like pretty boring panels.


Of course those should be omitted. The picture I actually had in my head was equally boring and omittable: Vola getting more and more impressed by the mega-tech-level that could create such greenery, and getting more and more snarkily morose at the diminishing prospects that her "treasure" would fetch any kind of price there.

The problem was I had a false impression, long lodged in my memory, of that first panel in #66: I thought that Vola was already out of breath and hurrying before she spotted Pho's house. That Pho's house was just corroboration of something that had tipped her off earlier. (Like running into early-Only perhaps, or who-knows-what.) But now that I re-read #66, it's clear that spotting his house was itself the tip-off, and we see her right at the moment of shocked realization. Memory is a funny thing.

Another weird thing: I have a distinct memory that somewhere in #66 or #67, Vola said "I shouldn't have hesitated." I built a lot of suppositions out of that memory. But those words clearly aren't there, so my memory must have been playing even more tricks on me. Oh well...
---
(formerly known as Synetos Protos ... but Monocheres was an even cooler character)
User avatar
Monocheres
Watermelon Graduate

  Offline
 
Posts: 922
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:57 am
Location: Penny Delta, Kingdom of the Moirolatres

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby marinschild » Tue Apr 07, 2009 5:29 pm

draque wrote:
Jennifer Diane Reitz wrote:Why did I omit those six panels? They seem like pretty boring panels.


I have an amusing image in my head of a reality in which your stories are popular in the same way that Star Wars is... Those six panels would get fleshed out by some third party writer into a full novel before you could blink. |: D

An excerpt from Vola Walks Around And Thinks About Sh!t:

Vola was glad to be free of the mad clutches of Kaye and under open skies. Never had the sight of distant worldplates made her thankful for her life. The skirt of grass, that oddly covered the worldplate, also was a wonderful welcome. Standing around on a metal floor all day was killer on the pessimistic Wiccan's feet.

As she walked further away from the mover, Vola couldn't help but think of the fate of her former companions. She already had ruled her final verdict on Mr. Pho and 'Virtue' way before their paths spit: Mr. Pho was a noble fool who's personal creed would eventually get himself killed and Virtue was nothing but bloody heartless monster. She did feel some sympathy for little Wailan. He was good kid, but just a little too naive and trusting. If he grew up under Pho's tutelage, it would definitely be for the worse.

"A child needs to learn to handle disappointment as soon as possible." Vola said aloud. "I had enough troubles growing up, and just look at me now." She scoffed at herself as the thought left her mind. She really wanted that kid to have a better life than she had, but that scenario was out the window the day Wailan decided to join Kaye's crew.

Fin?
NNNNEONLITERFLEWED and paprika[[[]p]]
User avatar
marinschild
Apple Class

  Offline
 
Posts: 330
Joined: Wed Jan 23, 2008 1:49 am
Location: Beyond Hopelessness

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby ElFuzzo » Tue Apr 07, 2009 7:10 pm

Monocheres wrote:Another weird thing: I have a distinct memory that somewhere in #66 or #67, Vola said "I shouldn't have hesitated." I built a lot of suppositions out of that memory. But those words clearly aren't there, so my memory must have been playing even more tricks on me. Oh well...


You didn't remember incorrectly. Using the amazing magic of web.archive.com, the #66 as it appeared in 2007:
http://web.archive.org/web/200704201652 ... r+066.html

"Goddsdammit! I shouldn'ta hesitated! I was scared! Run dammit!"

THIS is the sort of thing that happens when you travel through time. It's bad news!
User avatar
ElFuzzo
Welcome, New User!

  Offline
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Apr 07, 2009 7:02 pm

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby Monocheres » Tue Apr 07, 2009 8:12 pm

ElFuzzo wrote:
Monocheres wrote:Another weird thing: I have a distinct memory that somewhere in #66 or #67, Vola said "I shouldn't have hesitated." I built a lot of suppositions out of that memory. But those words clearly aren't there, so my memory must have been playing even more tricks on me. Oh well...


You didn't remember incorrectly. Using the amazing magic of web.archive.com, the #66 as it appeared in 2007:
http://web.archive.org/web/200704201652 ... r+066.html

"Goddsdammit! I shouldn'ta hesitated! I was scared! Run dammit!"

THIS is the sort of thing that happens when you travel through time. It's bad news!


[INTERIOR - COMPUTER ROOM - NIGHT: We see the CREATRIX, Aealacreatrananda, staring at an image on her computer screen. It is TSH #66. She reaches for the mouse when suddenly there is a **pop** and a miniature puff of ethereal smoke over her right shoulder, and a tiny little KAY WAI appears, wearing a pair of wings and a halo, and carrying a harp]

KAY WAI: [sing-song, wagging his, um, appendage] Naughty-naughty! I know what you're up to ... you'll be sor-ry!

[A tiny blaze of roaring flame suddenly bursts over the CREATRIX's left shoulder and a diminutive KAYE HAYCHOLD appears, with a pair of horns on her head and carrying a pitchfork]

KAYE H.: Aw, don't listen to that wimp! Just go for it!

KAY WAI: No! No! Change is bad, bad, bad! Trisylmaistan was meant to stay the same, always, always!

KAYE H.: Fard that! I've proven that you can change everything! EVERYTHING you hear me? MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH...

KAY WAI: She's crazy, you can't trust her! What about the consequences ... you just don't comprehend the forces you're dealing with ...

KAYE H.: Consequences, schmonsequences! Fate is on your side!

CREATRIX: Shut up, both of you! Let me think!

[She ponders the screen for a moment ... then, with a nod of her head, she mouses over to the text-box tool, marquees a rectangle over some old text, types in a few new words, then hovers the mouse over the SAVE button]

KAYE H.: HA-HA-HA-HAH!

KAY WAI: Nooooooooo!

[**click**]

[There is a breathless moment of complete silence]

[Then a low rumble starts to emanate from the computer screen as the image of TSH #66 begins to jitter. The rumble increases to a low roar as chunks of the image break away from one another and start glowing with increased radiance. The CREATRIX cringes in horror as the effect expands into the material of the monitor itself, then to the desk, then the walls, as the sound grows into a howling maelstrom ...

[**** KA-SPLODIE! ****]

CREATRIX: [Tumbling through spaceless space as reality is dismantling around her] OH MY FARGING GOD! I'VE BLOWN UP THE ENTIRE JENNIVERSE!

[THE END]

//]
---
(formerly known as Synetos Protos ... but Monocheres was an even cooler character)
User avatar
Monocheres
Watermelon Graduate

  Offline
 
Posts: 922
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:57 am
Location: Penny Delta, Kingdom of the Moirolatres

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby draque » Tue Apr 07, 2009 9:40 pm

Blizzam. This kind of makes me wonder what alternate path was originally intended... was Vola originally going have a shot at Kaye and fail from a moment of compassion? A possibly alt splay of the full set of splays. One of the aleph-2 sets. : D
User avatar
draque
Watermelon Graduate

  Offline
 
Posts: 907
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:57 am
Location: <=CLEVER-LOCATION=>

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby Monocheres » Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:09 pm

draque wrote:Blizzam. This kind of makes me wonder what alternate path was originally intended... was Vola originally going have a shot at Kaye and fail from a moment of compassion? A possibly alt splay of the full set of splays. One of the aleph-2 sets. : D


My theory was that Pho would have tried to enlist Vola's aid in his plan. But she would have refused, not trusting that he could "do it" -- i.e., get the probe port open and sneak in. She would have hung back, out of range of Kaye's gun. She would have watched from a distance as Pho and Wai jumped into the probe port. Seeing that it was feasible after all, she would have made a dash for the mover. But just then the mover would have started to subcosmerge and she would find herself almost, but not quite, close enough to jump in. She would have hesitated, afraid to risk being ontologically torn apart. It would be a moment's hesitation only, but the chance would pass her by. Her only hope then would be to start off at a run in the direction Pho indicated his house was, and hope to catch the earlier mover.

Oh well, the future ain't what it used to be, huh? ;-)

Edit: Actually, that was one theory. [Opens trench coat] I got a whole bunch more here I c'n sell ya...
---
(formerly known as Synetos Protos ... but Monocheres was an even cooler character)
User avatar
Monocheres
Watermelon Graduate

  Offline
 
Posts: 922
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:57 am
Location: Penny Delta, Kingdom of the Moirolatres

Re: TSH #339 • Going

Postby Monocheres » Wed Apr 08, 2009 11:30 pm

All kidding aside, let's be fair to Jennifer: This is a massive work, and a massive work-in-progress. If Jennifer wants to do a little editing before the final cut, that's her prerogative. Visually, strips #66 and #67 are perfect as they are: They capture all the essential action needed at that point in the story, as well as all of Vola's personality and reactions. Just about any exposition you could imagine would fit into those speech bubbles without needing to change the picture in any way.

So my only issue at this point is, why go for half-measures? Jennifer changed the words in the first panel from:

I shouldn'ta
hesitated!
I was scared!


to

Pho was right.
I should have
listened to him.


Okay, that works better. That first version just wasn't Vola, was it? Could you ever imagine Vola hesitating or vacillating about anything? Even if something did frighten her, would she ever admit weakness or failure to anyone (even to herself)? And worse than that, whine about it? We're much better off with the new version: Just a shocked statement of bland fact.

Now, go on to the second panel:

I should'a trusted
that Pho could do
it
... I should be in
there with them!


That strong emphasis on the words "do it" just doesn't work any more. They imply Vola [edit] had at first had some interest in some plan Pho had cooked up, but had hung back from helping because she doubted his chances of success. But she never even listened his plan. She immediately took off on her own because she wanted nothing more to do with a freaky, chaotic situation. Maybe something like this would work better:

I should'a trusted
that pompous boy
scout
... I should'a
stayed with them!


Finally, there's that "little" word that threw me off. (Was I the only one?) I'd suggest replacing the original:

Just because
of that...
lousy damn
evil little...


with something like:

Just because
of that...
crazy damn
lousy evil...


with a big implied B-word following that -- and no, I don't mean booger. :-D
---
(formerly known as Synetos Protos ... but Monocheres was an even cooler character)
User avatar
Monocheres
Watermelon Graduate

  Offline
 
Posts: 922
Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:57 am
Location: Penny Delta, Kingdom of the Moirolatres


Return to To Save Her

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests

cron