Gah I know that's a terrible title. I'm just not creative enough to come up with something better at the moment =\
Well how do I introduce myself? My username's Blue Thunder, I don't really care what I'm called because I go by many names anyway, and I'm a 19 year old with some major issues on self-identity currently. I came to this forum in hopes of possibly achieving some sort of assistance in that regard, and also because I'm lacking in the intellectual discussion department of my social life right now.
I found the forums through transsexual.org, which I in turn found by googling gender dysphoria [which I know I have - but that's about the only thing concerning myself I'm aware of anymore it feels like]. For a while now I've been questioning my gender identity though my brother seems to think I could just have an extreme dislike of my biological sex more than anything else as I go out of my way to make myself look masculine to others that it impairs my daily functioning and ability to learn sometimes [IE - refusal to cook because it's stereotypically feminine, recoiling when I'm hugged, etc; I will admit that I was much worse about this when I was a kid]. I don't even know what my sexuality is anymore and for years I thought I had at least that much to lean on through my indecisiveness. I started identifying as bisexual when I was in middle school because I thought I was too masculine to be a straight woman, but am I even interested in women? What does sexual attraction even feel like? I'm really confused in that regard. I don't think I'm asexual because I fantasize, though...
Personality wise you'll find I'm pretty stuck on what I think. I'm not easily adaptable and new things tend to either make me shy and insecure or just plain angry in resentment; change is one thing I've absolutely hated throughout my life though I think that's due to traumatic experiences as a child, though those wounds are finally starting to heal and I'm exploring new things big and small. This also means that I've started to explore who I am as a person, and I realised that I have no idea. I have a very low self-esteem; throughout my entire life I've hated myself either because I thought I could never live up to my own expectations of myself or the things my parents have done - they're benevolent people beyond what I could ever dream to be able to do for others, though I still aspire to achieve that. I have also despised my own physical appearance [with the single exception of my green eyes] beyond comparison to what is considered normal.
I absolutely adore my parents, thankful they're nice and accepting people, and I've idolized them greatly [especially my father who at times I hold in my mind like some sort of deity]. I think my desire to keep them happy and to keep stress out of their lives if I can avoid it is what caused my own identity problems. I acted a certain way to hide and cover up my own struggling so they didn't have to stress over my own problems. I've done a lot to keep my stress hidden from those I care about, and recently it all came tumbling down like crazy for some reason.
For more lighthearted matters on myself, I am pretty sure I want to be a veterinarian. I'm not currently in school though because I feel I need to straighten myself out and figure out who I am and what I want to do in life before I put myself into a place as absolutely utterly stressful as school. Some people think I'm exaggerating when I call it that, but for me, school is the absolute worst place in the world, not to mention at the moment my family couldn't afford to take me out of school 7 times and move me around over and over. I have no job, technically, for the same reasons [though I dogsit locally for some spare money, which always gets borrowed from my family so technically I'm still broke anyway]. I live in the middle of nowhere in Washington state, in a house with 8 people, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and 2 rats. No one is employed. My brother receives disability money, my mother receives food stamps, and my aunt and uncle both have unemployment benefits. My parents have been looking for a job like crazy for a year but no luck.
Alright I guess that wasn't as lighthearted as I thought... well then, right now I've been confiding in my hobbies - mostly sitting around on Skype all day and playing video games. What video games I tend to be playing at the moment can change on a moment's notice but usually everyone around me notices when I'm into something else for the week, though Ace Attorney and Pokémon are pretty consistent regardless. [Haha, ever seen someone save up money a year in advance for a game about lawyers?] I'm not your average gamer since the games I play are very strange - I don't stick to one genre [my repertoire includes the Sims, Dragon Quest, Metal Gear Solid, Spyro the Dragon, and Professor Layton] and there doesn't seem to be any consistent theme with any games I play. I won't play just anything - it has to catch my interest in a special way, and I can't pinpoint it.
I have the feeling I forgot to mention something or 7 about myself. But I ramble sometimes so I'm just going to leave it as is for now, if there are any questions feel free to ask - I'm not the type to keep secrets. I apologize for the monster of a first post.